Finding Peace of Mind As An Alcoholic

Yes, this writer has been there, done that, and yes, written a book about it. I understand all too well the disease of alcoholism. I lost two marriages, a business, and two jobs because of my inability to put the plug in the jug, so when I write about this subject you can bet I’ve been around that particular block a few times.

I have been to the dark place. As the pioneers used to say as they walked the Oregon Trail, I have seen the elephant and he trampled by ass. I am as strong-willed as you will ever see, as focused a man as you could ever hope to meet, and I met a foe I could not control and certainly could not defeat.

I should be dead! It certainly isn’t for lack of trying because I gave it my best shot. In 2006 the doctors couldn’t believe I was still breathing with the extremely low blood pressure I had after being admitted to the hospital.

So yes, I do understand!

I understand about the heartache caused to loved ones. I understand about the self-loathing and the complete sense of hopelessness. I understand about the confusion and fear, hatred and disgust, and I understand about the sincere wish that I could just die and be done with it.

And yet I am here today an incredibly happy man, fulfilled beyond my wildest hopes and in love with life.

How is that possible?

It is possible because somewhere inside of me there was a slight flicker of light; call it a light of hope if you will, but it was real and I held onto it with every fiber of my weakening being. Every single time the darkness threatened to completely overcome me, that small light shone and I grabbed it as a drowning man grabs a life-preserver.

It is possible because finally, after three decades of fighting a fight I was destined to lose, I was willing to go to any lengths to find a solution.

Are you ready to do the same, or would you like to suffer some more?

“All endeavor calls for the ability to tramp the last mile, shape the last plan, endure the last hours toil. The fight to the finish spirit is the one... characteristic we must posses if we are to face the future as finishers.” Henry David Thoreau

Are you ready to tramp the last mile? Are you ready to fight to the finish? Are you ready to do whatever is necessary to live a life alcohol-free? If not, you might as well head to the liquor store right now and have another round of misery, because being free of this demon requires complete and total willingness.

Yes, that is harsh, but it is only harsh from the viewpoint of someone not addicted. Those of us who have fought this fight know that it is a life and death matter, and quite frankly I’m tired of watching friends die from this disease. I would rather be blunt in this article than watch another death and wish I had said more.

There are options! You do not have to live this way another minute. There is help if you should desire it.

Yes, I have known people who have quit on their own without the aid of treatment. They are rare but it is possible. I, personally, am a product of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I also know people who have found relief through hypnosis and other treatment techniques, so there are obviously options.

However, no matter which way you choose, one thing cannot be debated: without a willingness to change, and a willingness to go to any lengths, you will fail, if not next week then a year from now, or two, but you will fail!

Oh, the stories I could tell. I have been around the halls of AA for over twenty years now, and I have heard every excuse in the book. “Well, you would drink too if you had my problems.” “I was trying to stop and then some friends came over and drank while we watched the game, and well, I just started again.” “My wife made me so damn mad that I just went to the tavern without really thinking and got drunk again.”

What do these all have in common? They are all weak attempts to make excuses, when in fact there was no willingness to stop drinking. Nobody forces you to drink! This is not some case of a Medieval torture where someone is pouring alcohol down your throat. You are not being kidnapped and force-fed alcohol until someone pays the ransom. You have made a conscious decision to once again drink, despite knowing that the results will once again be disastrous.

And why have you once again chosen that route of insanity? Quite simply because drinking is what alcoholics do, especially when life becomes hard, or people treat us poorly, or a myriad of other reasons. We drink! This behavior is so hard-wired into our brain that there is hardly any thought process involved…..trouble = drinking to erase trouble!

I have very little patience with excuses because to my ears an excuse is a statement that a person wasn’t really serious about quitting.

Going to any lengths means exactly that; it does not mean being serious until the going gets tough.

Again, I want to make it clear that this has nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with willingness. Two different animals completely.

There is an AA book called “The Twelve by Twelve,” and at the end of the first chapter there is a line that I will paraphrase now, and this line perfectly reflects how I was when I decided to stop drinking six years ago. It speaks of alcoholics reaching a bottom, being beaten down so low that they enter AA….with a willingness to listen as only the dying can have.

When I reached that point, where I was willing to listen as only the dying will listen, then I was ready to say goodbye to alcohol. I had reached the point where I had given up all desire to try and control my life. I had reached the point where I surrendered and admitted defeat.

I had spent almost thirty years trying to manipulate alcohol so that I could live in harmony with it; in the process I lost everything because alcohol cannot be manipulated if you are an alcoholic. An alcoholic does not strike a bargain with alcohol; this is not some mutually beneficial arrangement where both sides can live in harmony. If you are an alcoholic you simply surrender and give up your right to drink.

There is relief! There is happiness! There is life without alcohol! However, you have to want it badly enough to change your life. You drank yourself into this hole; now dig yourself out. There is help out there if you want it. There is a solution if you want it. There is a whole new life out there if you want it.

But you have to be willing!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)