Are You Powerless Over Alcohol?

I was driving with a friend awhile back through downtown Olympia and we passed an old wino on the street. He was huddled down next to a building, ragged clothes, dirty, disheveled and clutching a bottle of fortification in a brown paper sack. My friend, who knows that I am a recovering alcoholic, looked at the old wino then looked at me and said, “Thank God you aren’t as bad as that old drunk.”

Well guess what? Yes, I am that bad! Do not for a second let my “normal” appearance fool you. I am an alcoholic and will always be an alcoholic. I’m reminded of something I heard very early on in recovery: you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. True, it is a rather well-dressed pig, but nothing will change it from being a pig. To a stranger on the street I certainly do not look like one would expect an alcoholic to look but looks, in this case, are very deceiving. Firmly attached to my DNA is a time bomb just waiting for me to light the fuse.

Allow me to give you some pertinent facts about alcoholism and then we will re-visit this topic.

This is a progressive disease. It is an obsession of the mind and a craving of the body and it only gets worse and never better. What do I mean when I say it is progressive? The disease of alcoholism continues to grow inside the body and mind of an alcoholic whether that person is drinking or not. An alcoholic could stop drinking for twenty years and if they suddenly began again it would be as if they had never stopped because the disease was doing pushups and preparing for that relapse so it could once again kick the ass of that alcoholic. I know this for a fact because I had to find out the hard way as I often have to do. I was sober from 1992-2002 and then relapsed and within three days I was no longer a functioning human being. In three days I lost a marriage, a home, a job and all self-respect, and that was after ten years of sobriety.

My story is not unique! What makes me somewhat unique is my willingness to go public with my disease and my story of recovery. There is a stigma in society concerning alcoholics and to a certain extent I can understand it. The damage to family and society that alcoholics do is enormous and many times the pain inflicted is enough to sour a person against alcoholics for a lifetime. Many a friendship has been lost, many a job has been terminated, because knowledge of someone’s alcoholism was discovered. The point is that many alcoholics do not choose to share with “normies” information about their disease simply because they fear a negative outcome.

I, on the other hand, share for three reasons. First, I believe that if one person is helped by reading my story then it will have all been worth it. Second, nobody can hurt me as much as I hurt myself over the years so if people want to judge me or shun me for my disease then I wish them well. Third, I keep myself sober by re-telling my story. By not keeping secrets and by being willing to share the truth I prevent old behaviors from cropping up once again.

Yes, I am that wino you see on the street corner, and I have no intention of ever returning to my own personal street corner again.

It is my guess that most of you who are reading this know several alcoholics and you aren’t even aware of it. We come from all walks of life; this disease is an all-inclusive disease in that it accepts membership from all races, ages and creeds. Doctors, lawyers, bricklayers, school teachers and cable installment guys and gals are alcoholics. If you were to go to an AA meeting you would see people from all walks of life there, some wearing designer clothes and others tattered clothing that hasn’t been washed in years. You will see teenagers and octogenarians; you will see housewives and state legislators and all in-between. Many will go home to their loving families after the meeting; some will return to their tents under the freeway overpass. Some will return to their jobs; others will head for the welfare lines because they have used up all of their chances. Many will return for the next meeting; some will relapse and die within weeks.

Yes, I am that wino you see on the street corner!

I know, that seems like a bizarre statement, but we alcoholics have what we call built-in forgetters. After a few months the alcohol is out of our systems completely. We are rehabilitating and feeling good about life. Maybe we got our wife back or we found a new job. We start to pay off our bills and our health improves. We hear how well we are doing and life upon that pink cloud is excellent and seemingly will go on forever.

And then we forget! We drop our guard, stop going to meetings, get fully involved with the daily activities of life and one day someone will suggest we stop for a beer after work and we think “what the hell, I’m doing damn good, one beer won’t hurt.” At that moment the wise words that one drink is too much and one hundred are never enough rings true once again and the madness returns.

Yes, I am that wino you see on the street corner!

I have seen this happen so I know it to be true. After a certain period there are some recovering alcoholics who begin to believe that they have risen above the slime and muck of that wino on the street corner. They begin to believe that they are better than that and would never drink to such an extent that their lives would reach that point. Maybe they have never had a DUI; maybe they have never been arrested for assault and battery or lost a job and their family is miraculously still together. The danger for those is lurking in the shadows of their own minds. Once an alcoholic believes that it could never be that bad for them then all bets are off for their survival. Once an alcoholic believes that they are not as bad as that wino on the street corner then they have placed one foot firmly in their own grave.

Yes, I am that wino you see on the street corner!

It’s the only way it can be for me. Once I turn away from the world of sobriety that I have constructed I am a dead man walking; the only thing in question is when I will die from my own actions. I have surrounded myself with sober friends and others who will support my journey. I have made the conscious decision to spend the rest of my life helping others not only because I want to give back to the community and the still suffering alcoholics but also because by giving I am helping myself. I have made the decision to live a life of love, compassion and empathy. For too many years I lived a selfish life that caused pain to others. The rest of my life will be filled with giving because that’s as it should be.

Yes, I am that wino you see on the street corner and the day I believe I am different from him is the day I have forfeited a life I have worked awfully hard to re-build. I love my life today. I love those who are friends and family. My life is incredible and I have made the decision never to return to the old ways again. Old Man Alcohol will just have to turn his attention to someone else because I’m doing my own pushups and kicking some ass for good measure.

For those of you struggling with addiction, I hope this article will help you. If you have a loved one struggling with addiction I pray for them that they may find the answer I have found. May you all find peace and happiness as I have.

2012 Bill Holland (aka billybuc)