Funny Google Searches: How To Tie A Tie And Other Nonsense
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I have spent the better part of the last month writing articles for this site and stumbling and bumbling my way around HubPages trying to get a feel for the place. I have watched videos and read suggestions. I have joined forums and asked questions and commented until I’m blue in the face and in the process I have met some fantastic people who have been kind and generous and extremely helpful.
So I thought it was about time I give back to the community and pass along a wonderful tip I just read about in the Learning Center. I was quickly scanning the list of contents and I came upon the section entitled “The Secret To Finding High Traffic Topics.” I was so excited that I was doing the Happy Dance right here in my studio. Finally THE SECRET was going to be revealed so that I would be on my way to fame and fortune.
I quickly clicked on the link and began to scan the article; naturally the first thing my eye caught was the subheading “Topics To Avoid” and wouldn’t you know it, one of the topics to avoid is personal journals and stories. Well damn! I don’t know how many hubs I have written but I’m willing to bet that 90% of them are personal stories. No wonder I have languished in relative obscurity for the past month. Now we are getting somewhere! Note to self: no more of those stupid alcoholic and adoption stories. Now we are going for the Big Time; we are shooting for the moon, baby, and nothing can hold this guy back.
Having found out where I had gone wrong I wanted to know where to go right, so I found the subheading that said “Topics To Try.” Very helpful section by the way, filled with wonderful suggestions guaranteed to make us hubbers rich overnight. One of the suggestions was to do a Google search and find out what topics are hot right now; another suggestion is that “how to” articles are big on the internet. So, being an overachiever by nature, I combined the two and decided to do a Google search for “how to” subjects and the results of my search are the collective subject of this hub. I have no doubt you will find it as fascinating and enlightening as I did.
THE TOP SIX HOW TO SEARCHES
Again, in keeping with my overachiever personality, I not only did a Google search but I also did a Yahoo search, and to my surprise the results were similar. Combine the two searches and the following made up the top six how to searches.
1) HOW TO TIE A TIE….Seriously folks? This means there are literally hundreds of thousands of people out there at this very moment wondering how to tie a tie. This was the number one search on both Google and Yahoo. I’m giving up writing right now and I’m going to go around the country holding clinics on tie tying; five bucks a head and I should make my first million bucks in a month. I had no idea that I held the key to instant riches. Thank you Google! Thank you Yahoo! Thank you to all you nimrods who have no idea what a Windsor is! Worry no more because Billybuc is coming to your rescue!
http://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?p=how+to+tie+a+tie
2) HOW TO MAKE CHLOROFORM….This one bothers me on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. If you read the chloroform sites they are quick to point out that chloroform is dangerous and then they are equally quick to tell you that chloroform is a solvent. The next thing they should point out is that they think I’m an idiot because my skeptical nature tells me that there are, again, hundreds of thousands of deviants out there who want to use chloroform for less-than-ethical reasons. Maybe I could combine my clinics so that I show you how to tie a tie and then I put you to sleep with chloroform and steal all of your money.
3) HOW TO GET MARRIED ON SKYRIM….Again, I am bothered! Since I am a bit clueless about life in general I had to do a quick search on Skyrim; that search netted me the information that Skyrim is a role-playing video game featuring a dragon god named Alduin. I’m not sure who these searchers want to marry but if it is Alduin then I once again have serious concerns. Are there really that many people out there who play this game and have nothing better to do with their time than marry a mythical creature online? I have lived too long if that is the case.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nyj4NPoI7o
4) HOW TO HARD BOIL EGGS….Please! Please! I am dumbstruck by this one; there are actually people right now in this wonderful world of ours who have no idea how to boil an egg. It really makes this old teacher proud of our education system to know this. No, I’m not going to blame the education system but I am going after the parents in this world who have not introduced their children to the stove and a pot of boiling water. Wait! Maybe it is the parents who don’t know this in which case I am more worried than I was ten seconds ago. These people vote! These people are part of our decision-making process! May God help us all!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNmiEZcyGoM&feature=fvst
5) HOW TO LOVE LYRICS….This one had me stumped for awhile. I mean come on, you either love a lyric or you don’t. What’s the problem and where are people getting confused? Then it came to me: maybe “How To Love” is a song! Well, in fact, it is, a song by Lil’ Wayne, whoever he is, and it is quite popular, and thus the mystery has been solved. I don’t feel so bad now that I have figured that out. I wonder if Lil’ Wayne knows how to make chloroform?
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/lil_wayne/how_to_love.html
6) HOW TO BE….Read it again and see if your reaction is the same as mine. People evidently want to know how to exist. Am I missing something? Is there a problem here that is missing from my thought process? Let me see if I can help all of you out there with this one: you breathe in….you breathe out. Then you do it all over again! Keep doing it until you can’t do it any longer in which case you will never Google another stupid question like this one. In fact, if you make up a batch of chloroform and breathe deeply then you will really need an answer to this question.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQBPAmnAlOk
REFLECTIONS FROM A CONFUSED GOOGLE SEARCHER
Maybe I am just getting too old. Maybe I was dropped on my head as an infant. Maybe I should have backed off on the experimentation during the Sixties. Maybe I……WAIT!!!!!! Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe if we combined all of those searches it would make more sense. Maybe what people really want to know is….”How to hard boil eggs while tying a tie and listening to “How To Love” and Playing Skyrim While Figuring Out How To Be, All Done Under The Influence of Chloroform.” Yes, I’ll bet that’s it. Nothing odd about that at all now that I see it from that perspective.
THE LIGHT BULB GOES OFF ABOVE MY HEAD
I want to thank HubPages for the suggestions, all of them extremely helpful as I continue to grow as a writer. I will take them all under consideration but for now I think I’ll just stick with what I do best: Write personal hubs that don’t have a chance of making me money but instead make me feel good.
Perhaps, though, there is still a chance of making some money by maybe taking a different approach to my writing. I could combine the two ideas and write personal hubs that answer a ‘how to’ question. My first one is destined to be an instant success. I will call it “How To Be An Alcoholic!” I can do a tutorial on how to drink to excess and ruin your life. Yes, fame will be mine! I am so excited I think I’ll start on it now. Stay tuned and in the meantime, keep up the good work on those Google searches
http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Alcoholism-What-A-Sneaky-Bastard-It-Is
Which of the following do you not know how to do?
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What a great read! Just for the record, I do know how to boil an egg. My Mama was old school & taught me well :-)
Well, it's off to the kitchen for me... I'm mixing up batch of Chloroform!
Cheers!!!
Connie, thank you for stopping by; I had to do a silly hub or I would burst from all the seriousness. I appreciate your commenting.
Sue, how nice of you to read the hub and comment. Best of luck with your cooking endeavors.
"How to Love Lyrics." *snort* Very funny and engaging hub. Voting up! Thanks for making me smile.
Billy - you had me cracking up at the title of this hub and I just couldn't stop giggling from there. This is hilarious! Who knew that that many people don't know how to boil an egg? I've got it! TV has turned their brains t mush. That's the only thing I can figure. :D Anyhow, I voted up, across and I'm SHARING.
I would avoid the chloroform topics, and anything to do with explosives, etc. The FBI would probably be one of your first readers and might just pay you a little visit.
I think that we take for granted how little people know. Clicks from 15 year olds count just as much as clicks from 45 year olds. Maybe I will write a stupid article and see how well it does... just as an experiment. I know that some of my best articles that are well researched and informative do not get hits.
clevercat, you are very welcome. Glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the following.
cclitgirl...Glad you liked it; I had a whole bunch of fun writing it for sure. I figured if nothing else I was amusing myself and that's worth something, right? Thank you for stopping by and for your support.
michigan....one of the most visited hubs I have written was about the five worst national parks...it was just fluff from beginning to end. Who can figure what keeps the hub gods happy? Thank you for the visit and comment.
Hilarious! I could not imagine any ethical reason to want to make chloroform and also can't believe there are people who don't know how to boil an egg. I do, however know a nearly 40 year old man who doesn't know how to tie a tie, nor does he want to. Awesome hub.
Thank you for a very funny (and clever) hub. I don't usually laugh when I read a hub, but I did when I read this one!
Well Express, I know how to tie one and I could care less if I ever do it again. Thanks for taking the time to read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
AliciaC, thank you very much. I had a blast writing it so I'm glad someone else could laugh along with me. Actually last night when I did the search I was in shock...then it became funny! Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I loved this hub! Thank you for checking things out and saving me some time in the process. I don't know if I'm going to make much money from this site but I know that I'm realizing just how much happiness I'm getting from writing anything at all. I like your idea of continuing to write about the things you want to write about. Good job!
Kathleen, I agree completely. Doing hubs falls under the category of "don't quit your day job." I do enjoy it but I have no expectations. Thank you for dropping by and commenting.
I've written a lot of how to hubs and I should say they are extremely boring to write. I'm glad I've stumbled upon this hub. Had a good laugh.
Well I'm glad you did too, Cliff. Thanks for dropping by and best of luck to you with your writing. I'll have to check out some of your hubs tonight.
Voted up and funny. I loved this and it had me chuckling. Very well written and structured and I like your sense of humour. I totally agree with you though - just write what you're comfortable with and about things you know. Much more fun and rewarding. Keep it up billybuc - your hubs are all great.
Oh, this reminds me: check out the latest from homesteadbound: she wrote a hub about making grilled cheese (yes, grilled cheese) and it went viral. Someone posted it on reddit and she got 2200 page views in a day. Don't underestimate those, uh, I guess "stupid" hubs. hahaha Not that anyone here writes anything stupid, but it just seems crazy to have to write about "how to hard boil an egg". Wow.
There are hubs on here on how to boil an egg. When I read them I was amazed that someone didn't know how to do this but the hubs were well received. A little extra money is always welcome but having fun doing what you like without costing much but time is more rewarding. I write personal stories and some days I even make a few pennies from them. I didn't join hubpages for the money though so am constantly enjoying the experience of writing and reading. Hubpages has actually saved me money because I don't have to buy books. Loved the humor in this hub.
Awwww...thank you annart; I happen to like your hubs greatly too. I will toss in some funny fluff once in awhile just to keep my sanity, but I am much more comfortable writing about life and what has happened..there are lessons there that everyone can appreciate and learn from. Thank you as always for following along with me.
Not only write about it, cclitgirl, but there are videos which had me cracking up! I think I added one on my hub. Anyway, I keep hearing about things going viral but if it ever happened to me I would probably need hospitalization. Thanks again for the comment.
mljdgulley, thank you; I had to have a little fun for my own sanity. I love writing about my own experiences but after so many it gets a bit heavy. Thank you for reading and commenting and I'm glad you enjoyed my attempt at humor.
Very funny hub, and I love the possibilities it sparks. How about a hub about making chloroform with the insistence that you test it on yourself first? Maybe even throw in a couple of extra ingredients to make it extra "potent." That could be considered a public service. Police will be mystified by the upsurge in inhalant deaths correlating with a decrease in kidnappings.
Voted funny and up! Way up! Oh, and awesome!
I loved this, but please don't write that article on how to be an alcoholic! They'll figure it out on their own! Oh, and I can hardly wait to read ”How to hard boil eggs while tying a tie and listening to “How To Love” and Playing Skyrim While Figuring Out How To Be, All Done Under The Influence of Chloroform.”
Sounds like a winner!
I know I'd like to make money here, but I don't see me writing about things I don't even know about! I'm hoping my "how-to" hubs will keep me floating above water, but I do tend to specialize in poems and the personal stuff. Ugh! I'll never make it to $50!
My next hub: How to wake up in the morning.
Eric, I love your suggestions; amazingly it is still in the top five searches. Must be a big need for solvents out there in the world. Thank you so much for visiting.
Eclectic, I respect you and your work greatly so thank you for reading mine; I did, however, write the alcoholic hub and it will be posted shortly. Nothing humurous and I think you will approve of it. Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed the hub. I had fun writing it.
Best laugh I´ve had in ages. Your sense of humour just creases me up. I have to ´follow´you (sorry this sounds like ´stalking´)
Well done on a superb hub.
I appreciate those words and glad you got a laugh or two; I'll be glad to have you stalk...er follow me.
had a big laugh reading this hub!! You might be on to something there about writing the "how to" articles. Enjoyed this alot!
pjpitts, I appreciate it. I had loads of fun writing it.
So wait... how do I get married on Skyrim? Oh well. There is a Game Stop at the mall. I am sure someone in there will know how. Oh, maybe I can even find my future virtual husband while I am there. Actually, that might be too weird considering I'd be meeting him in person. Hmmmm.
Food for thought indeed! lol I am shocked by the things people are searching for, Jeannie, but they are great fodder for hubs. Thanks for visiting and as always making me laugh.
It was a very interesting read and original hub Bill! I agree with you on the CHLOROFORM...just dumb! Voted up!
Billybuc, another tremendous hub. I don't think you need to tweak your style at all--I love it!!
Voted up, awesome, funny, and interesting. Can't wait for more.
Audra, thank you! If nothing else I hope to always remain original. :)
Faceless, very kind of you. I appreciate your words and hope to always live up to them. Thank you very much!
Entertaining hub!
Shaddie, the entertainment was in the online search. :) I just relayed what I found in my own style. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
'How to be' just tops them all. Thanks for the laugh!
Kayha, I agree; the chloroform bothered me greatly but the how to be had me laughing quite hard. Thank you for visiting and commenting
Connie Smith Level 3 Commenter 3 months ago
Ok billy boy. I voted all of the above, but I really do know how to boil an egg and I know how to "be" because I had a wonderful grandmother who made sure of it. Interesting, informative and a bit funny, so I liked it. I've never written hubs for the money, which is a good thing because I've never made any. One of these days, I plan to try it.